Last-Minute Sprint

I get really distracted. From trying to find Holga photoshop actions to singing along to songs about lemon trees. Next thing I know, I'm wiki-ing the Kübler-Ross model as a result of overloading on TED talks. My desk looks untidy, so I arrange it - wondering whether I'd want to represent myself with the image of 'total minimalism' or 'organised chaos'. One wonders. Maybe moving that Japanese work book into the vicinity of my workspace or opening up the plethora of short stories on my browser will at least guilt me into completing these tasks. But no avail, I become tolerant to them and just...ignore them. While my brain is being happily munched away at by guilt, I continue to kill my conscience and stay distracted. Yeah, I do try to get back on task, slowly. Multiple planners, lists that never get crossed off, blocking websites.

Let's tell a petty anecdote of the time [specifically the 20th of October, 2010] when I vowed to stop biting my nails. Yes, I kept true to that, but I found ways around it. I now compulsively clip my nails or peel them (yes, I peeled them yesterday and all I can think about is my fingertips burning in agony whenever I apply pressure to them). The point is, that when I set rules for myself, I manage to weasel out of them. It's probably a rebel-against-oneself complex, which isn't so complex at all. Having somebody else set the rules for won't necessarily make you stick to your guns. It probably ensures that as well as failing yourself, you wreck damage unto others.

Starting something likens to waking up in the morning, starting the day. You know you have to, but you, really…can’t. It works like a snooze button, waiting to seize the moment to start on your incredulous journey to success. Of course, all fails and you wake up four hours later wondering where your life went to. All for the sake for five minutes more. The same cycle continues for a short eternity, the one where your timetable is shifted forward by a couple of hours. Sleep late, wake late. In the case in which you do wake up early, naps snatch you away into dreamland. The only way out is to stamp your foot down and duel the Sandman.

On the other hand, when it comes to the things you want to do, all the energy wasted on starting and finishing wears you down completely. You’re not in the mood to do anything.

You can’t win.