/rant

She begins her very vague rant about things in second person:

You are stressed, maybe you do not deserve to be stressed as you don't exactly have a lot on your plate right now. It's kind of knowing that you can do something, but can't anyway - and no matter what happens, you lose sleep anyway. And when you lose sleep, you end up becoming more stressed as your brain does not happen. You are typing on your laptop in your dark room, not because you like the dark (it's kind of scary), but because you feel that you are too stressed to walk three metres across your room to turn on the light. You have two and a half weeks, and not much determination - that was already used up on being stressed. It's kind of like a sadistic form of metacognition, instead of thinking about thinking, you are stressing about stressing. It's focusing on the fact that you procrastinate so much, that you end up doing nothing. It's not procrastinating, it's thinking about procrastinating which ends up in the same result anyway. And maybe it isn't as bad as it seems, yes...you have to get up early tomorrow, but that means you're moving forward - oh shit, that means that you have less time to meet your deadline. It also happens that after this deadline, there's another deadline two weeks after that. And you stress about time management, which you claim to be quite poor at. Maybe that is true. Or maybe it is true dependent on the fact that you stress about how poor your time management, wasting all the time in which you could have been spending productively. It takes you half a day to write a to-do list, and another half to revise it. What gives? Then you berate yourself for even repeating the same mistake you make every time, which you don't really learn from. It isn't as deep as it sounds, quite mundane really. You just don't know. You say that you don't know because you actually do know, but you don't want to face it. You procrastinate at the thought process of why you don't learn from thinking about procrastinating and stressing about time management instead of actually using your time more productively. The dark is sure scary, which is why you avoid it almost all of the time. The dark, as well as being literally scary, is also something which doesn't really make sense. And you hate it when things don't make sense, but you choose not to really do anything about for the aforementioned reasons. The dark is when things go ignored, and things become slightly obsessive. That's not healthy. Again, you berate yourself for going about your unhealthy ways, you should really be considering changing things. But change is scary and you feel quite comfortable where you are. You fear that horrible cycle you are aware of - where you appreciate things once they are gone. Maybe there is an exception to that cycle, but you are sure that that has only happened a couple of times. It's still very dark and your laptop screen is too bright. You could very well sleep now, but you know that won't come to any good. In chamber orchestra this morning, the smell of wetsuits was around. You're still wondering about that, but can't really be bothered to come up with a solution. Yeah, you can't be bothered. You should be ashamed of yourself. And yes, you're going slightly mad.

She wonders whether she should post this, but does anyway.